Positive Alternative
by candidly-k
Summary: REWRITTEN! They were celebrating graduation. It was a skiing trip. There was an accident. And now everyone thinks Chuck Bass is dead. But there couldn't be a Waldass fic if that actually happened, now could there?
1. Chapter 1

Note:

This fic works under the premise that Chuck and Blair got together during the later part of their third year in high school until senior year. There will be a lot of N/B in this fic but I am assuring everyone that this is a C/B fic. The N/B business will be quite crucial to the whole story, so I'm sorry if we could not do without it.

I have posted this story under a different username, and at an LJ account. With regards to my pulling out of those accounts, please see my profile page. Also, to anyone who's familiar with this, I'm posting this story under a different rating. For some reason, and this is quite unbelievable to me, I'm turned off from writing explicit sex. So there. Thanks everyone.

**ooOOOoo**

Disclaimer: All characters and plot associated with Gossip Girl (the book and TV show) are property of Cecily von Ziegesar and The CW. Nope, they're not mine. Though this story is. :)

Chapter 1 – Best with Patience and Calm Words

**ooo**

"Five… four… three… two… one!"

Cheers and greetings were passed. A lot of kisses and hugs were shared. There was enough warm messages, and wine, to beat the winter chills. "Happy new year!"

"Happy new year, everyone!"

A couple of phones rang, answered happily. This was a time for greetings, celebration. A new year, a new start.

All around the elegantly decked house were smiling, happy faces. The countdown felt like an outdated tradition. She didn't feel like participating. This wasn't her party anyway. If it were hers, it wouldn't be as boring as this one.

Most were society girls, or used to be society girls. They're all grown up now. There were too few people in her age group, not that she cared. But it would have been nice to be able to strike up a decent conversation. One guy, most probably the son of any of her mother's friends, even had the nerve to come up to her and give her a drink.

"Let me assure you," She snapped. "That you most definitely did not pay for that."

He held his hands up in mock surrender. Then laughed as he left. "Geez, dragoness! Loosen it up a bit. That rack is wasted on you!"

She just shook her head and thought, and they say the rich are prim and proper! Ha!  
_  
__What does he think he is? Seventeen?_

It didn't bother her. Not anymore. She knew guys were attracted to her. But she was with someone now. And he loves her. But despite that, there was something amiss. It was unnatural. Every time she felt like she was lacking a step. It made her feel uneasy. There's a void she didn't know how to fill.

"Have a happy new year, ma'am," one of the waiters said as he offered her with a tray of champagne. She had to wonder why he was the first to greet her when she was right smack in the middle of the room, surrounded by the "closest friends of the family."

She smiled and took two glasses of the sparkling. "Yes, thanks. You, too." She set one of the glasses on the table and downed almost half of the other.

Twenty minutes, she thought. That would be enough time for Eleanor to greet her guests before she remembers her daughter.

Beep beep! Her phone vibrated as an incoming video message arrived. She opened the flip to see her best friend's over joyed face on the screen.

"Happy new year, B!" The screen was full of her pouting lips as she "kissed" Blair. "I'm so sorry you couldn't be here with us. This is the most bizarre New Year's ever!"

Serena has obviously been drinking. No, she wasn't drunk or anything. Serena was not drunk just like this, after all. She looked so happy that Blair couldn't help thinking she should really have snuck in that airplane and just sent her project proposal to hell.

"It isn't snowing! And it's not so cold!" Serena continued. The camera was focused on the view from what can only be from a high rise building. Probably the hotel they were staying at.

"Bart's happy. He can do business while on vacation." Serena rolled her eyes. "I am learning so much from him! And Mom's just excited to meet international artists here at Nouvelle Zelande!" She said the last two words with a weird, pseudo-French twang.

Serena disappeared from the screen for a bit over a minute. She was walking inside or something. Then a laughing, eating Eric was waving at her with syrup-coated fingers.

"Hey there, Blair!" he said, his plate was full of chicken and something like potatoes. "Is everything good there? Oh, you can't believe this."

Eric drank from his cup of red wine first. "Serena has been all over the place buying gifts for you. And herself, of course."

"Hey!" She heard Serena scream from the background.

Eric was still laughing. "Well, uh, I guess we'll see you soon. Bye! Happy new year again, Blair."

Serena was now still slightly laughing at the camera, too. "He doesn't know when it's his business and when to shut it, does he?" She was shaking her head while giggling.

"I'm so sorry I couldn't bring you along, B. Your job has very bad timing!" Serena said. "I'm sure you would have loved it here. Oh, what a beautiful sunset, B!"

Serena was gushing like she's seen a high school crush. Blair couldn't help but laugh… and feel a little bit jealous.

"Anyway, today is afternoon of January 1. I can't believe our New Year's are almost a day apart!" Serena added. "You can be sleeping now and when you get up it'll still be New Year's Day! It is around 12 there right?"

The camera showed Lily and Bart on the other side of the table and were also eating, like Eric. They looked really happy. What a nice family… too bad it wasn't complete.

"Then, just have fun today, B! Spend the day however," Her voice was a little sad. "I miss you. I'm sure I'm keeping you from one of Eleanor's perfectly nice parties!" A chuckle. "I really miss you, Blair. I'll see you very soon! I love you! Bye!"

Serena was waving like crazy. Then the screen was blank. End of message.

She tilted her champagne flute to the screen as if Serena could see her. She thought of calling her but didn't know what to talk to her about. "I love you, too, S." she whispered.

It's funny but when she said that, she thought of someone else. It has been seven years and yet during these little, unguarded hours when she felt sorry for herself and didn't have work to keep her busy, she still thought of him.

His dark hair that felt so smooth and soft on her fingers. Those piercing dark eyes that peered into her soul. And his cool voice, haunting her, like an eerie melody that caught her unawares. But she couldn't remember his face. Not anymore… she just felt like it was him… always in her dreams.

It happened just before graduation. A couple of girls from Constance Billard with some guys from St. Jude's decided to have a skiing trip to bid farewell to high school. Blair couldn't go because Eleanor had asked her to go to Milan with her, where a fashion gathering happened yearly, just before the Winter Fashion Week. She didn't even check on her phone. She planned to be so focused so that her mother would appreciate her, and not regret having asked her to come. Two weeks later, she was back to the Upper East Side. The news hit her like a quick, hard punch to the side of her head.

"I'm so sorry, Blair." Nate has said. He was crying as they stood at Blair's house's living room. "I should have kept a better eye out for him."

Serena also wasn't in that trip. She'd been skiing there with Eric since they were nine. Apparently the rest of the group was skiing but Chuck was busy arguing with the airport personnel on his phone inside the hotel because of his "misplaced baggage." He didn't come out to ski with the rest of the group and they just assumed that he was inside, sleeping or being so mad. But, according to the hotel employees, he came out when the average skier would have called it a day. By cable car, he reached the more challenging slopes at around 8.30 (She thought it was stupid to allow night skiing).

There were some heavily steep slopes around there and the next morning, when no one could tell where Chuck Bass was, they searched until they got to the place that the pros called The Devil's Fork. The right turn was almost always taken, because it joined to the rest of the easier tracks down below. The left turn, though, was in for rockier, more wooded terrain. They found Chuck's skis on the left turn. Everyone feared for the worst. After three days, the search and rescue team had to abandon the Fork because of a storm surge. It lasted only two days… and caused three major avalanches.

After two more days of search, Chuck was proclaimed dead. Chance of finding him at all was slim to none. No other of his personal effects was found. The avalanche could have led him anywhere on the mountains. The avalanche probably buried him in a very icy grave.

"I can't see his face!" Blair sobbed as she hit Nate over and over. She felt her energy draining out, her happiness fleeting away with every breath. She just slumped and let herself fall on the floor. "I can't remember his face! I can't see him! Where is he, Nate? Where's Chuck?"

Over the next few months, she tried hard to get herself back together. It wasn't easy and very night she had to cry herself to sleep. But she came through. Then she can see his eyes again; hear his voice again. Sometimes she'd think that he was still there, talking to her.

"There you are."

She snapped her head up from where the voice came from. And there he was. Her love. Her first love.

"Nate." She stood, handing him one of the champagne glasses. "Happy new year."

Nate hugged her and, cupping her face, kissed her softly. "Happy new year, Blair."

She knew she can be happy with him. with him, things were easy. He was not dark and twisted and confused. Sure, he's had his share of shit in the world. The Captain was still in prison, will be there for a long time. Her mother, though, stepped up to the occasion. She's accepted what happened to them. After all, her side of the family surely knows how to bring back their social and economic status.

Blair looked at Nate and saw that he didn't change. He was still the same Nate that she fell in love with all those years ago. Granted, his jaw was set a bit firmer now, his nose a little crooked from his testosterone-filled college life, but he was still Nate: kind, gentle, loving Nate. It puzzled her to no end why she was imagining him with a different set of eyes.

"What are you thinking?" He asked, tracing soft circles on one of her hands.

She smiled. "Serena sent me a video. I'm a little hungry from seeing Eric stuff his face!"

Nate laughed and said, "Wait here, I'll get us something to eat."

When he came back, Blair was still staring at him. "What?"

"You, Nate Archibald, are by far the handsomest man I have ever seen in my life." Blair said. "Except Cary Grant. Or maybe Marlon Brando."

He smiled and kissed her again. "You aren't so bad yourself. In fact, you look simply ravishing tonight."

They've gone through half of their biscuits and eggnog when Nate asked, "So what was it that you wanted to tell me about dinner?"

"Oh, yes. I know it's only supposed to be the two of us but…" She started. "Daddy and Roman are flying later today and I just really want to spend as much time with Daddy as I could. I haven't seen him since summer."

Nate shook his head. "No, no, no. It's perfectly fine." He looked deep in thought. "In fact, it's a wonderful idea. I may have something to talk to him about anyway."

Blair looked surprised. "And what's that?"

"It's nothing." He said, eating another sweet biscuit. "Maybe just a little something about a few realty laws and such."

"Why? What's up?"

"Well… Grandpa is planning to buy out a few lands west coast." Nate said. "I just wanted to see if all's well with that. Yeah… just that."

"Uh-huh. Business." Blair answered. "I'll have none of that. Talk about it alone. I'm happy being on vacation. Even just for a few days. Don't spoil it."

Nate laughed at her. "I know. I'm glad we can have the remaining of this week together."

Blair snuggled closer to him. "Yeah, I can't believe the mayor's office allows for that long a leave."

Nate just cocked his head. "I may have to pull a few strings. Plus, I'm not public official or anything anyway."

"Yet." Blair said as she sipped the rest of her eggnog. She felt Christmas-y. Funny.

"So what where you waiting for?" Nate asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I saw you, while I was bringing this." He said. "Looked like you were waiting for something to happen."

Blair looked confused as if she's already forgotten. "Oh, that." She finally answered, "Nothing. It's just… Eleanor hasn't greeted me yet."

Nate took hold of her hands. "It's her party. Don't take it against her. She had to entertain guests. She loves you."

Blair shook her head. "I know, I know… Of course she does."

"She really does." Nate said. "Just in a different way from, say, Lily or Mom. But you have to know that she loves you."

Seeing that she wasn't very comforted, he added, "It's not your fault you know."

"That's what's making me sad, Nate," Blair said. "It doesn't make it any better even if I do know."

"Now, don't get upset so early in the year." He said still trying to cheer her up. "You must be tired. Wanna go upstairs?"

She nodded. "I'll go greet Eleanor first."

Blair walked over to her mother and step-dad. "Mom, Cyrus," she began. "I'm quite tired already. I'm heading upstairs."

Eleanor excused herself from three of her guests and turned to her. "Oh, I'm so sorry, Blair!" She held Blair tightly. "I've been so busy. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Happy new year, Blair."

"Yeah, I wanted to greet you both a happy new year, too." Blair said.

Eleanor patted her cheeks, kissed them both and hugged her again. "I'm sorry. Next year, I'll pass this party throwing to someone else."

"No, you don't have to do that." Blair knew how much her mother loved throwing parties. That's where she herself got it from. "It's okay. Happy new year, Mother."

"Now don't think you can just sleep out without giving me a great, big hug!" It was Cyrus. And Blair immediately smiled and took the little man in her arms. "Happy new year, Cyrus."

"Thanks." She released him. "I'll surely be gone in the morning."

"That's silly!" Cyrus exclaimed. "You know you can stay for as long as you like."

She smiled and hugged him again. "Happy new year. Goodnight."

"Goodnight." Both her parents said, not minding the right time.

Nate went to her and kissed Eleanor and shook hands with Cyrus. "Happy new year, Eleanor, Cyrus."

"Happy new year, Nathaniel." Eleanor said. She was returning to her guests.

"Rest up, too, my boy, if you'd like." Cyrus told him.

He nodded and they went up to Blair's old room. It stayed the same even if she moved out during college and got her own place when she went back after those four years. Sometimes she'd come over. Eleanor was lonely by herself, although she'd never admit that.

"Some of your clothes are still here." Nate called as Blair was inside the wash room. "Would you like to change?"

Blair emerged, her hair a bit wet; her face fresh out of makeup.

She looked at Nate and shook her head no. "I'll sleep on these; I'll be gone in a few hours anyway."

Stepping off her shoes, she went under the covers. Nate sat beside her, tucking her in. She squirmed under the warmth.

"Do you want me to stay?" Nate asked.

Blair looked at her clock to see that it was barely one. "It's okay. Go back to your family for a while." She said. "I'm sure the Van der Bilts are still buzzing with New Year's activities."

"Oh I'm sure about that!" Nate said, rolling his eyes. "I forgot to tell you but there is a charity gala tomorrow. A lunch for the little children that Trip sends to school. If you aren't doing anything for lunch…"

"I'm sorry but you know I put in upon myself to cook for dinner." Blair said. "It only really probably takes two hours to prepare something for anyone who truly knows how to cook but…"

"Don't worry it's okay." Nate assured her. "But everyone misses you, really. I mean I'm sure they're gonna kick me out if I don't bring you over at least once a month!"

She smiled at Nate. This man knew how to make her feel so special. Yes, he's had his stupid moments but he knows how to make up for them.

"And they said that family was like a very exclusive club!" she joked.

"Well maybe you can be a member." Nate suddenly said. Blair shot a look at him. Could it be?

"Nate…" she said.

"I know. You told me you want to experience life." He moved away from the bed, putting his gloves on. "As I do, too. But, I dunno… You be ready."

She was just about to say something when he shut her up with a kiss on the mouth. Longer, hungrier this time than downstairs. She ran her fingers through his hair before they stopped. "Okay, I'll see you later." Fixing his hair and taking his coat, he said, "I love you, Blair."

"I love you." Blair said. "Drive safely."

"I will." Nate was at the door. Clicking off the lights, only the Victorian lamp cast a glow in the whole bedroom. He closed her door softly and was gone.

Blair closed her eyes and, as the snow fell outside and the merriment continued downstairs, she drifted off to the land of dreams.

She was as sure that she was happy with Nate as she was that her name is Blair Waldorf. They've been together on and off during college. The distance most had to do with that situation but now that they were both back on the Upper East Side, it just felt like this really was how it was supposed to be.

He was supposed to hold her hand when she graduated both from high school and college. He was supposed to be the first one she called to tell that she had closed her first deal, bought her first apartment and lost her first dog.

But somehow, during her sleep, she found that she could never lie to herself. She didn't want Nate to tell her that it was okay that Handsome died and that he was in a better place. She wanted Chuck to laugh at her and tell her that the dog was ugly anyway and that he'll get her a new one if she wanted to. She didn't want Nate to take her out to a celebratory dinner after the law firm agreed to work with her company. She wanted to be with Chuck, in his room, having mind blowing sex and him telling her that she was great and that if the deal didn't happen now, it would have happened sooner.

In her waking hours, she would have dismissed such thoughts as useless, irrelevant day dreams. Things to never dwell on as they will never come true. But, with these thoughts filling her head, she'd smile in her sleep knowing full well that come tomorrow, Chuck would be dead again. He would disappear as if he never existed in this world. And so as she sleeps, she lets him hold her, even for a fleeting moment of time. All logical explanations didn't matter and all mathematical equations didn't need to add up.

She'll be Blair and he'll be Chuck. And there'll be nothing else.

Six hours later, when she woke up, Chuck was gone. Six hours later, as it was every day for the length of seven years, she was again alone in the world.

**ooo**

Thanks for reading! I hope you liked it. Comments are loved.


	2. Chapter 2

**ooOOOoo**

Disclaimer: These characters are not mine. I wish they were. I think. :)

Chapter 2 - Looking Into Your Eyes

**ooo**

Before the clock told eight in the morning, Blair was back at her suite at the Mandarin Oriental on the Upper West Side. Despite her early qualms about this part of the city, Blair knew it would be better for her business to be set up in what most people familiar with New York call the "cultural and artistic" part of NYC rather than the "conservative, old money" part.

There was just the tiniest hint of feng sui around. Some coins, a few figurines. A little bit of luck wouldn't hurt. The over-all theme was black and white but nothing depressing as there were pops of color here and there.

Going inside, she was greeted by luxurious painted walls, every stroke inspired by the Jardins du Luxembourg. On her accent wall, she placed almost fifty small butterfly moldings which appeared to be flying up, towards a high mirror that she made to look like a window. The butterflies were an inside joke. Only the one she shared it with was gone.

_"Like there's something in my stomach." He wouldn't look at her. "Fluttering."_

A round, silver table with the most marvelous finish was topped with a structural art piece made of different sized wheel, colored blue, red and yellow, which swayed in various, different directions due to magnetism. On the opposite wall were two of her abstract paintings. They were huge and displayed one on top of the other to make the viewer look up and appreciate the height of the ceiling.

Taking a few steps to the rest of the elevated room, it led to her living room which was at the right corner. Its two walls were decked in black wall paper with the most intricate white, hydrangeas detailing. The carpet was the image of the sun, similar to the designs on the stair's railings. She smiled as she saw the latest copy of Elle Décor on top of her antique Italian drawer which she used as center table. The magazine featured the company she put up with three of her closest friends in college, Drop Dead (Gorgeous) Interiors, as the best designing firm for home and office interiors in New York.

The building is actually owned by Bart Industries. Blair owns the title of President through a vote since she got Lily, who manages the commercial properties, to give her a lease for years at a lower price. But creative control is equal among the four partners.

_Humphrey sure knows how to make a review_, she thought. She remembered how shocked she had been to find Dan Humphrey in her conference hall, apparently for an interview with the magazines "highly acclaimed and recommended firm."

It had been objective, easy to point out how juvenile the company is but also giving credit to the "subtle romantic" features it injected to its designs and how it offered modern, polished looks for anyone lucky enough to afford the services.

It was the last bit that Humphrey made for the magazine, she's heard, before his one-year gig ended and, with great recommendations, is now a contributor to the New York Times. She told him it was because of her company that he got the job the first time they met since the article was published.

_"Myself, Manhattan and a cup of Starbucks," she said, when she identified him coming out of the coffee shop. "This must be one of your most luxurious days, Humphrey."___

_He considered it. "And this is just your regular day... I suppose."___

_"Actually no. I've been awarded by The Decorators Club and now my alma mater is hosting a party in my honor." she said, nonchalantly. "It's the New York School of Interior Design by the way. Maybe you've heard of it?"_

Going into the dining hall, she left her phone on top of her long dining table. No one would suspect that only one person lived there, for she had five individual chairs and a bench along her dining table. There were even three other coffee mugs on her small counter top besides her own; Nate's, Serena's and Cyrus'.

For three months now, he's been teaching her how to cook for herself after finding out that most of her payments are to restaurants where she often eats out. And oh how much he complained about her small kitchen which was just by the dining table. Her step-father had the whole don't-cook-the-food-in-front-of-the-guests speech ready for her. But Blair already had the kitchen torn down and converted into a walk-in closet which was much more practical and suited her needs much more as well.

Blair opened the bag of fresh bread that she took from her mother's house and lined them with peanut and chocolate spread. She didn't eat them; she already had soup over at Eleanor's. She cut them into triangles, took off the crusts and placed them in an air-tight container.

Not wanting to be seen in something she's already wore the night before; she went into her room to take a quick, hot shower and change.

She had the wall of her bathroom customized with brick stone-finish wallpaper sending the feel of bathing outside. It made her feel a bit dangerous.

As she lathered up her hair, she wondered back to what Nate said.

Could he really mean that? She thought. Would Nate Archibald really ask her to marry him?

"I know he almost did on my seventeenth but things were different then!" she said to herself.

First meeting Nate at the Hamptons made her sure that she'd want to marry him. She missed her father so much and wanted to go so she walked away from the party. But five or six blocks away she felt scared and started crying.

_"Why are you sad?" She looked up to the boy who asked. "Did someone step on your foot?"___

_"I forgot how to go back to my mommy." She whispered.___

_The boy held out his hand. "My mommy always brings me here. I can help you find your mommy."___

_"Really?" she asked, taking the boy's hand.___

_"Really! I know every place from there to there!" he said pointing one finger away and the other to the opposite direction.___

_"Will you promise not to tell mommy that I got lost?" she asked. She didn't want to be yelled at again.___

_"You got lost?" the boy smirked and she felt like he looked just like a super hero then. "But we were just playing outside!"_

Blair smiled at the memory. She thought only her first meeting with Serena was funnier than that. She wouldn't even try to say anything about Chuck's…

_"Now give that back!" she yelled. Her curls fell to her face and she knew she'd hate the boy forever._

Blair had to close her eyes to keep from recoiling. No, you don't need to remember him! She shook her head as if doing so would clear her head. She stepped out of the shower and dried herself off before getting into her clothes.

She thought over wearing that fur wrap that Daddy sent for Christmas and decided against it. Adding a touch of Lancôme's latest winter color, she was good to go.

**ooo**

Blair did not like going to hospitals. It was a place she'd hope to be a part of but she'd cast away without as much as a second glance back.

She passed the nurses' station before the head nurse noticed her.

"Miss Waldorf!" he called out. The man was big and black and burly. "I see you're back. Had you a happy new year?"

"Yes, thank you." Blair said. The guy's smile was infectious. "Happy new year. Is Dorota doing better?"

"Yeah. Been hot-headed lately, though," The nurse added with a laugh. "Speakin' to all us in Polish, ya know? Says coz we don't change her meal into something 'more inviting', she says."

Blair's face registered guilt. She searched her bag. "I made her choco-peanut sandwiches," She said, her bangs hiding her eyes.

The head nurse laughed at her, and still shaking added, "I s'pose a New Year's treat wouldn't be all bad. But we don't want no more heart attacks in here, you hear?"

"Hear." Blair said, understanding the nurse's slang for 'do you understand?'

Blair turned on her heels and went to Dorota's room. Her nanny was already awake and was reading the Bible when she came in.

"Who is this that appears like the dawn, fair as the moon, bright as the sun, majestic as the stars in procession?"

"What?" Blair asked. "Dorota you must be going nuts!"

Her nanny shook in her bed. "No, no, Miss Blair." She left the book by her bed-side table. "I was quoting from Bible."

"Stranger things have happened." Blair said. "So, I hear you're doing much better?"

"Yes, Miss Blair." Dorota said. "I can go home now and help you for dinner later."

"No. You can't, Dorota," Blair noticed her protest. "I won't let you scare me like that again!"

Blair handed her the sandwiches as she sat on the stool beside the bed. "Surprise."

Dorota opened it and dug in, chewing carefully. "Did this help you?" Blair asked, looking at the leather-bound book.

"I was very scared, Miss Blair." Dorota said in between bites. "But I knows God is always watching."

After half an hour, Blair left promising to come and visit again, but with no more sandwiches next time. Dorota protested to be let out again. But Blair threatened to fire her so she stopped. She reminded Blair to get the food now, so she'll only have to cook them later.

"You sure you don't want me ordering you your favorite dish, Miss Blair?" she asked.

Blair just smiled as she left. "I can do it by myself, Dorota. Keep resting."

As she closed the door, she heard Dorota reminding her to be careful and not leave the oven on.

**ooo**

Walking out of the hospital, Blair thought over that day when Dorota had a heart attack. They've gone portrait shopping for her office when, at home, Dorota suddenly clutched her chest and moaned in pain. Blair had to ask for help from the rest of the people at her floor so she could get Dorota to her car.

Blair was utterly thankful that Dorota was not home alone when it happened… or else? She'd been there to save Dorota. Thank goodness... At least she saved someone before it was too late...

Her train of thought was blocked when she glanced up the first building that she had to work for. It was a huge law firm that needed a new set of rooms for their executives. The clients ended up being blown away by the job of a young woman that they passed on the good word to friends and clients as well. Calls from Marc Jacob, Christina Applegate and Jennifer Lopez came in among others. They had enough work to last them a year. Everything's been going on smoothly since.

Blair has taken the subway to the hospital (really!) and was now walking towards the grocery. If she ended up buying a lot, she can always just call a cab. As she turned the corner towards the grocery, her heart suddenly decided to jump out of her chest. Suddenly, everyone else passing was a blur. An alarm went off in her head and the only thing she noticed was a man in heavy, dark robes coming out of the grocery carrying a single paper bag with French bread sticking out the tops.

It was impossible. It couldn't be. He was dead. He's gone. And yet, just like in every dream she's had, it felt every bit like it was him. By the way her heart bounced loudly, the way her breath caught a bit and the way she couldn't bear to make herself look away. Only him did that to her. He was like a car accident. She never could help but look. And now she was sure. For the first time in seven long, painful years, she was seeing Chuck Bass' face again.

No!

His hair was longer and lighter as they lay messily on the tops of his head. He was slimmer, held himself even taller. But there was something different as well._ He lost his swagger!_ Blair thought.

Tears fell to her cheeks. She was hearing his voice again. Their last conversation was repeating in her mind, sending shivers down her spine.

_"You deserve to be loved always…" he'd said ."And all the way."_

How?

Chuck was walking away. He was disappearing from her life again. Slowly, his head was the only thing she could see among all the people in the sidewalk.

"No!" Blair cried. "Please. Please don't go!"

He'd been arrogant, childish and messed up. He'd been with women to hurt her. He'd been stupid! But he loved her more than anyone ever did. More than her mother, surely more than Nate. God forbid, she loved Nate, always will… but not like she loved Chuck. She was ready to have a life with him. And then he was taken away just like that.

_No! You can't leave! Not again. Please stop. Please…_

Her mind went back to the memory she fought not to relive just moments before.

_"My mommy makes pretty dresses and I get to wear them all." She said to the other girls who were looking and even touching her newest satin dress. "See! My dress matches my head band!"___

_She held her head a bit lower to show them when all of a sudden she felt a hand suddenly grab her head band, causing it to dig a bit and it hurt.___

_"Ow!" she yelled. "Now give that back!"___

_Her curls fell to her face. She was so mad.___

_"If you want it back, why don't you chase me?" the boy who grabbed it said. He waved her head band in the air, mocking her by saying 'my dress matches my head band' in a high pitch voice as if to imitate her.___

_She tried to run after him but he was fast. And she keeps remembering how Eleanor would remind her never to act unlike the lady that she was.___

_"Stop! Come back!" she cried as the boy ran out of the gates and into a long, black car. "Give that back!"_

Blair felt her legs move on their own. First an uneasy step, then an awkward sprint, then she was running as fast as they could take her. Her heels dug to the cement and send knives up her feet but she didn't care.

She kept running towards the direction he had disappeared to. She kept running like her very existence depended on it. Maybe it did.

"Stop! Come back!" she yelled. "Please… please don't leave me!"

It was the second day of the year and the cold bit into her skin. And yet she didn't feel it. She's lost him. She couldn't see him anymore. She kept bumping into people, not caring to say sorry.

"Bitch!" one cried.

"Hey, watch it!"

"Stupid pig!" From a woman whose strawberries were knocked right out of her hands.

Blair kept looking for Chuck.

Why won't he stop? Where is he? Chuck!

Her heart dictated her every move. But he wasn't to be seen anymore. She's lost him. She's lost him again.

He wasn't there. He never was. She was crazy. How can Chuck be there? It was impossible. It was stupid. Why did she run after a thing that couldn't be true anymore?

So Blair finally stopped running. Her feet throbbed in pain. Her heart broke in pain. As her legs gave out and came into contact with the cold, snow-covered pavement, her tears cascaded down her cheeks. Wrapping her hands around her, she willed her body to stop shaking. But it wouldn't. She couldn't help it anymore. Leaning her head on her knees, she cried. She cried like she never have seven years ago.

Flashes of his "funeral" came rushing through her head.

_"We'll see you again, Chuck." Humphrey said as he threw a beer bottle into the water. They were all standing at the Brooklyn Bridge; she, Serena, Nate, Jenny and Eric. Lily and Bart were there. Bart, too, never shed a tear.___

_The bottles contained letters. Letters he can never read. It spoke of love, friendship, small and big things. He will never see them. Will never know what they told.___

_When it was her turn, her hands shook more. Serena held her as she threw the whiskey bottle that contained only three things: a piece of chocolate éclairs, a pair of butterflies and a piece of paper that contained three words. Three simple words.___

_"I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you." She whispered as she said goodbye to the boy she so dearly loved.__  
_  
"Chuck! Chuck!" Blair was mumbling, rocking herself back and forth as snow fell above her. "Please don't go. Please come back to me."

Someone called 911 and a minute later, two officers sat her by the mobile and off the sidewalk.

"Ma'am," a male officer asked, his name plate read G. Thomas. "What seems to be the problem here? Are you hurt?"

Blair shook her head.

"Have you been attacked?" the other asked, a female, younger than Thomas. "Do you remember what happened before you were on the sidewalk?"

More hot tears ran against her flushed face. Her bangs were sticking to her forehead from all the running she did.

Her hands were shaking as she wiped her face.

"I can't find him." she whispered at first, and her voice was getting louder. "I… I can't find him."

"Ma'am, are you lost?" Thomas asked.

"I can't find him!" Blair cried. "I can't see his face any more! I can't see his face again!"

Blair kept mumbling about not seeing, love and promises. The female cop, looking at the strange, crying woman, held Blair as if she understood her pain. And she didn't let go until the tears stopped and the shaking subsided and Blair could talk straight once more.


End file.
